With all this training and excursion, I lost my period when I started running marathons. For me it was part of the process, so I didn’t seek help medically for it. I was also training really hard, and I wasn’t eating enough, so I started to binge eat. Then I’d get scared that I was going to put on weight, so I’d force myself to purge. It happened one time and I promised myself it wasn’t going to happen again. I didn’t seek out any help and months passed, then something else triggered the same pattern. This time I had no control, then it became this habit. I would binge and I would purge. I would binge and I would purge. My disordered eating became an eating disorder.

I struggled with bulimia when I turned 30 and moved to Vancouver. Being alone in a new city, it felt like that’s the only thing I had going for me. By then, I knew I needed help because it was affecting my training and I wanted to do more racing, so I found a therapist who I really connected with. I had regular sessions with her. She encouraged my journaling to be more self-focused, so I started writing love notes to myself. I set a goal to myself to write 100 love notes and run 100km — and I did. I noticed my mentality switch as to why I was running. It was now to find new ways of loving myself. I started to transform my relationship with running, to be kinder to myself, and to be gentler with my body. It really helped me recover from the eating disorder — and heal. I found a way to bring everything I learned to the community for Project Love Run, and even open up to my parents.

On why she started Project Love Run

I started Project Love Run in 2016 in Toronto. In hindsight, I see that I was searching for help and I wanted to create a space where I could be myself and show myself as Filsan, the woman who is struggling with an eating disorder. To be able to have these difficult conversations on subjects we don’t really talk about. Because that’s what I wanted to do, to tell someone my story. I eventually did share my story with the women of PLR and there were so many who could relate to what I had expressed. That motivated me to want to speak more about what I was going through. What I was finding challenging inside. And as the months went by, I began to put the mission and goals for PLR into place based on what I had experienced.

On what she learnt from her experiences

Having gone through all of that, I discovered that there is no shame in having depression, anxiety or an eating disorder. It’s part of being human: we’re imperfect, even if society makes you feel like there is a perfection you can attain. I learned that it’s your imperfections and your flaws that are your beauty; they are your signature in this world. And for me, my struggles made me stronger. They made me more confident. They helped me create this beautiful space and the PLR community.

On why sharing her experiences as a black woman is important

My identity really complicated my ability to express myself, because you don’t see a lot of black folks sharing about their struggles with anxiety and depression. For example, as a black runner, in the early stages of my binge eating I was looking up eating disorders. I wanted to understand what was happening with me and what I was going through. Everything that I found online was showing white, thin women in their early adult years struggling with an eating disorder. And when I looked up runners and athletes, same thing. I didn’t see any black women and I didn’t fit the profile that was being presented to me, so I didn’t believe that that was my problem. It led to my denial. It really complicated my ability to express myself and to find the help that I needed. That is why it took time for me to seek therapy.

I remind myself often on why representation is important, and it motivates me to keep talking openly about depression and my eating disorder, because I know someone else out there will come across, listen and connect to it. It can inspire them to seek the help that they need, to build the tools to recover and hopefully heal.